Tackling Your Dire Need for Approval

About this event

Nine people liked it. One didn't. Guess which one you're still thinking about at eleven o'clock. Why do so many thoughtful, self-aware, well-read people find that: • one piece of criticism outweighs a dozen compliments • a short conversation stays with them long after everyone else has forgotten it • they wait to see how something lands before deciding what they think of it • being liked wears off, and needs renewing • what they say comes out gentler than what they thought • how one person treats them becomes information about their worth A Guide to Rational Living — the 1961 book that became the foundation of modern cognitive therapy — makes a distinction that sounds small and isn't. Someone can evaluate what you did. Nobody, including you, can evaluate what you are. A person is not the kind of thing that takes a grade. Judge the work, the choice, the thing you said badly — but the leap from "she disapproved" to "I'm worthless" isn't harsh. It's irrational, in the specific sense this book means. We'll get into: • why rating the act is useful and rating the self never is • why approval works for a while and then stops working • what the Stoics said about how much weight to give the opinions of others • the difference between wanting to be liked and requiring it • what changes when someone's disapproval stops being evidence No reading required. We listen to the chapter together. The plan for the night: • Quick intro from me — who I am, and where these ideas came from • We listen to Chapter 10 together (\~20 min) • Small-group discussion (\~20 min) • Q&A and open discussion Not therapy. No diagnosis. Nothing you have to share. Just a good book and a more reasonable way to see the world.